Rest in Peace Mama
8:47 AMAs many of you know by now, our beautiful Mama Lou took her "last flight" April 5, 2016 (8 weeks to the day after her initial diagnosis) after a strong and courageous battle with pancreatic cancer.
I don't think there is one word that describes her last week at hospice. The beginning of the week was really hard, she remained restless throughout the week even with an increase in medication. The staff were all shaking their head in disbelief of her strength and will power, but really, what else would you expect from Mama Lou? When the sublingual medications were no longer effective we tried subcutaneous injections (as a nurse, i had no idea this was available for pain management so it was pretty cool to see). By the end of the week we ended up accessing her port, increasing her pain meds and adding a short acting sedative called versed that was available to her every 30 minutes. Seeing her still restless even with the versed broke my heart. We asked her every question possible to figure out what was causing her discomfort: pain? uncomfortable? thirsty? scared? She always shook her head no. You get to a point where you just pray that they finally find peace and comfort and pass.
Hospice called me early on the 4th saying that her breathing had changed and she had become unresponsive on her own so they stopped the versed and would only continue her morphine and ativan. I think after a week of her being in the hospice facility I was worried they wouldn't tell me when she was making her final declines (sorry for doubting you!!). Sharon and I sat at her bedside all day sharing stories, laughing, crying, you name it, it was a roller coaster. Before you pass, your heart rate increases before it decreases, your breathing and skin change, urine output ceases. Mom had all of this yet she plateaued all day. Sharon and I kept saying "Lou/Mom, what are you waiting for!" I decided to stay the night because I knew the second I left something would happen. I felt so differently with Mom's passing vs. Dad's. I said my goodbyes to Dad a few hours before he passed because I didn't want that to be my last memory of him. With Mom, I felt honored to be able to be there for her last breath. What a gift to be able to love your loved ones till the very end.
Mom stayed the same the most of the night. I went to the living room to lay down on the couch around midnight: part hoping that she needed a little bit of time to herself, and the other really pregnant part of me could no longer lay in the recliner: the slightest recline makes my arms fall asleep! I came back around 4am and just stared at her, her breathing was so shallow you couldn't even see her breath. The nurse came in and checked her pulse and pulse ox and her heart rate was in the 30's. I said to her nurse, okay maybe we are getting closer. Well low and behold she knew I was there and her heart rate went right back up!
I ended up deciding to go home and shower the morning she passed. I said to Mom, "Mom, I love you but I have GOT to shower! If you want to pass while I am gone that is fine, and if not I will be back really soon". Mom's nurse called me at 9:43am and said "Layne her breathing changed I think we are getting close". Aaron and I were already in the car on our way so he held on for dear life as I drove a little faster than the speed limit.
Mom passed at 9:47am. Her nurse said she was in Mom's room while she was on the phone with me and when she told her that I was in the car on my way she passed almost immediately. I knew that was her motherly instinct trying to protect me. A mother's love is so selfless and I felt so at peace knowing she went the way she wanted.
While my heart hurts not having her physically here, especially so close to James' arrival (I still shake my head and say "really?!") I cannot tell you the peace we feel after seeing her suffer for so long. She hardly ever complained through the whole process and let her amazing light shine through all the crap she had to deal with. We are lucky to have been able to spend so many wonderful years with her learning how to love life and enjoy every moment. Having her as a mother is the greatest thing that could have ever happened and if I am 1/10th of the Mom she was, James will be a lucky boy.
Before I get into my thank you's, many have asked about a funeral/celebration of life. We will be having a celebration of life to honor and celebrate Mom's life, most likely in June. We are working on details now and as soon as we have a date and location I will let you know. We wanted to give everyone ample time to request off work/book flights etc. We also have a PayPal account set up under Laynereneexo@gmail.com - any money raised will be split between The Lustgarten Foundation (non profit for pancreatic cancer research) and Hospice of the Valley and donated in Mom's name.
Aaron: My earthly angel. I still am in disbelief that God sent me such an amazing man to call my husband and raise a family with. You have been so selfless through all of this and the biggest shoulder for me to lean on, I could not have done this without you. Thank you for taking care of literally everything while I spent time with Mom, all while working, spending endless time with us at Mom's or hospice, taking care of Tyson, keeping up with my rollercoaster of emotions...I could go on forever. Your heart is bigger than you will ever know and I am so grateful to be able to share this life with you. Cannot wait to bring our sweet little James into this world in ONE WEEK! Where did the time go!?
Sis: I am so proud of you. It has been so special to watch you grow into the woman you are today and while I know this has been so tough you have faced it head on and stepped up to the plate when you needed to. I can't tell you how much my heart bursted to see you come back and see Mom at hospice after you had already said your goodbyes. It takes a strong person to do that, you are stronger than you know. You and Mom had such a special bond and I hope you know that will continue the rest of your life.
Sharon: Mom's besty best. Wow. I am actually having trouble finding words to properly thank you. You not only held my Mom's hand through all of this but did endless hours of behind the scene cleaning, organizing, errands, oh my god when did you sleep?! The friendship you two created over the last 20+ years is a friendship people dream about. Thank you for the laughs, sanity checks, letting me vent, and most of all loving Mom so deeply.
Ross & Rex: Thank you for spending weeks down here in Arizona with us helping out, spending time with Mom, and cooking fabulous meals. Mom was lucky to have brothers like you and I know she will continue to watch over you as you both continue to accomplish so much in your personal and professional lives.
Hospice of the Valley: I am crying just thinking of you all that took care of my Mom. Trish, Jen, Lisa, Lorie, Dr. Melissa, Amanda, Nora...and the list doesn't even end there. I have never met a care team more selfless and loving and could not be more grateful for the love you put into caring for Mom, even in what would be the most frustrating moments you simply just loved her. You all did everything in your power to make her comfortable up to her very last breath. Your care did not stop with my Mom but making sure our whole family was cared for. There will never be enough to repay you for all you have done. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Southwest Airlines: If I didn't work for an equally amazing team and company doing what I love, I would jump ship and come work for you. My whole life I have seen the love you have for your employees. While I know passengers see what an amazing company you are from a business standpoint, it is really admirable to see it from the eyes of the family of your employees. Thank you for always supporting my Mom. Thank you Colleen for calling Mom a few weeks ago, I have rarely seen her feel as honored as she was that day. Thank you for all the SWA employees for everything-those who know Mom and those who don't- your love was felt throughout it all.
17 comments
Thank you, Layne, for sharing with us. You and Kristen are so much like your mother!! I know she is so proud of you both!! Sending all of you hugs, love and prayers for God's healing touch on your hearts!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Layne for all of the beautiful updates, tributes and most of all love and bravery you have shown throughout this emotional journey. Please know that you have all been in my prayers and thoughts throughout this entire time, and will continue.... God bless you all and can't wait to see Mama Lou's grand baby boy James.... Love n Prayer Always
ReplyDeleteSobbing! Layne, I don't know you, your mom or your family. I heard your mom's sorry through my friend who is a SWA flight attendant. It sounds like your mom was quite the lady! I want you to know one thing. Your mom is most definitely, incredibly proud of the daughter's she raised. I pray you find peace and comfort in this sad time and joy with your new baby!
ReplyDeleteSobbing! Layne, I don't know you, your mom or your family. I heard your mom's sorry through my friend who is a SWA flight attendant. It sounds like your mom was quite the lady! I want you to know one thing. Your mom is most definitely, incredibly proud of the daughter's she raised. I pray you find peace and comfort in this sad time and joy with your new baby!
ReplyDeleteSo many tears. LouAnn would be so proud of you all. Peace and love to your families. RIP LouAnn
ReplyDeleteBEAUTIFUL LAYNE!!!! Thank you for sharing this journey with us these past 8 weeks. Lou-Lou has left her print on this earth and blessed us all through her journey. She was a pillar of strength and demonstrated amazing courage that we can all learn from. She will be missed but never forgotten.....
ReplyDeleteShe is soaring now....
Mary Pesce
Layne, I always loved your Dad's blog and this blog for your mom was equally as beautiful. You are such a strong and amazing person and I know you have two of God's best angels looking over you and your family now. Stay strong and let me know if there is anything you need! Cant wait to meet that baby!!
ReplyDeleteLove Katy
Layne,
ReplyDeleteI saw your mom's story in my Facebook news feed and just wanted to tell you and your family how very sorry I am for your loss. Your mom's story reminded me a lot of my mom who passed away in November 2007 after a 17 1/2-month fight against brain cancer. I miss her terribly and not a day goes by that I don't think about her or the unfairness of it all. Hugs and prayers to you all.
Megan Miers (Tulsa, OK)
Thank you for sharing your mom!! I know how proud she is of you! I am sure she's playing with James and will be there to send him into your loving arms! She will be watching over all of you! Prayers will continue! May you and your sister find peace during this time! Your momma left a beautiful legacy! My life is changed for the better, because I knew LouAnn!
ReplyDeleteI cannot put into words the loss that you feel, however, 13 years ago I was in a very similar situation. My mom died 6 weeks after her cancer diagnosis; I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my first son. My mom told me that she must leave so he can come in. I feel her presence every-single-day through my mothering to my three sons, being a teacher, and being a wife. Unfortunately, the worse of the grieving process is still to come for you. Please hold tight to your faith and if you do not have faith, find faith now. My son is a heaven-sent gift directly from God because God knew he had to take my mom, so he gave me my first-born. My oldest son is angelic in every way--from being a wonderful baby to a heartfelt 12-year-old. May you also lean on your husband at this time; the longing for your mother will be double since you are becoming a mother yourself. If you need outside help--take it. Your husband and son will be your strength; Godspeed my friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. There is nothing else I can say. You are lovely young ladies and your Mom and Dad will always be proud of you. Baby James is a lucky boy; he will have so much love the day he's born. Good luck to you. Hope your delivery goes well. Please keep us posted about the Memorial. Your Mom will be so missed.
ReplyDeleteLUV,
Stephanie Zanter and Tim Prindiville
Thank you for sharing such a deeply intimate account of your precious Mom's final journey. She was so kind and funny! I only had the privilege to fly with her on one trip, but I can tell you I'll never forget her! You have all been in my prayers and will continue to be.
ReplyDeleteRachel
So sorry for your loss. I came across your moms story on AZ Central. I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer August 2004. We found out a week before. I held her hand while she took her last breath. It was so surreal. I miss her so much. Just found out in Jan my brother has stage4 lung cancer. Prayers to your family for peace and strength during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteI saw an article in USA Today about your Mom and uncle Rex Ridenoure. Shortly after that I saw that your Mom had passed away. I'm sorry to read that she suffered.
ReplyDeleteI believe we went to high school in Grand Island Nebraska together. It sounds like I missed out on knowing such a special person.
I will pray for you and your family.
Peace to you all~
ReplyDeleteFrom the American Airlines/USAirways family sorry for your loss! She was definitely a strong person and is now in a better place! Praying for all your family! ❤️
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